


He Was Only Saving Himself

by Rilaua



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Dead Poets Society - Freeform, M/M, anderperry, mention of Neil's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 12:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12457998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rilaua/pseuds/Rilaua
Summary: What happened between Neil and Todd the night before Neil's production?





	He Was Only Saving Himself

**Author's Note:**

> (I didn't add the "major character death warning" because it's not explicit, it's just mentioned)

Neil's eyes shot open for the third time that night.

He'd been waking up from a rush of excitement very often.

Tomorrow (or, today, since it was midnight,) was going to be the production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream."

He couldn't wait any longer, though he argued with himself about getting more sleep.

He watched Todd toss and turn through blurry vision. Gosh, this boy could never really be comfortable anywhere, could he?

Neil lay there in discomfort for as long as he could, but he figured it would be better if he just talked about it and finally sat up, turning on the lamp and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Todd's eyes opened, but then squinted at his bright surroundings.

"Why'd you do that, Neil?" The boy complained, grabbing his pillow and burying his head beneath it.

Neil smiled, pulling the covers off his legs and rushing over to the other boy's bed.

He took the pillow from Todd's head, Todd's hands effortlessly trying to pull it back.

Neil tossed the pillow aside before gushing about the day ahead of them.

"Todd, I'm going to be _on stage_! My dream is going to come true!" He whispered excitedly, still respecting the rules; No noise after 10:00.

Todd let out a small laugh, now sitting up.

"I know, Neil, and I'm so happy for you," The sandy-haired boy placed his hand on Neil's leg, "but can I _please_ go to sleep?" he whined.

Todd went to reach for his pillow, but he stopped when he noticed Neil's expression change from excited to crestfallen.

Todd started to become red with guilt. "I-I didn't mean it like th-that, Neil... I-I'm sorry, tell me more."

It was silent for a moment, but Neil finally found something to break the awkward mood.

"I just... This has been a dream of mine ever since I knew it was a thing... And I just can't believe it's happening," The boy let out a breathy laugh.

"The theatre is everything mixed into one," Neil started,

"there's art in the characters, in the story, in the music! And, speaking of, there's music! There's writing," he gestures over to Todd's notebook, "poetry, dance, choir!"

Neil grabbed Todd's hands and leaned in close, closing his eyes as he said, "Romance..."

Todd's face started to heat and his eyes couldn't leave Neil's lips, but this thrill he felt soon faded when the other boy pulled back along with a couple laughs.

"It makes me feel alive..."

Neil hesitated for a moment before saying, "...And I want you to see it, to see _**me**_."

Todd's eyes- which were fixed on his own lap- shot up to look at Neil.

Todd then smiled and shook his head, going back to watching his twiddling thumbs.

Suddenly, another hand came into Todd's view, and it wasn't his.

The hand grabbed his, which lead to Todd looking up at Neil, revealing his flushed face.

"Y'know, I never really thought about it..." Neil started.

"A-About what?"

"That... That tingly feeling I started to get in the first few weeks you were here," He smirked,

"I kind of pushed it to the back of my mind, thought it was nothing. But then, it slowly started to come back to the forefront, and I kept wanting to impress you."

Todd's lips parted in a feeling of relief, his grip on Neil's hand tightening.

"I-I, I can't-" Todd started, trying to find the right words to say.

"I know," Neil cut him off, "I know... A boy can't have feelings for another boy, it's not something acceptable and I'm out of my right mind."

His smile grew feigned as he tore his eyes away from the other boy.

"I'm really sorry Todd, but this is how I feel, an-"

Shaky hands swooped beneath Neil's arms in a warm hug.

Neil's eyes widened and his tears decided not to come out.

"Shut up, Neil." Todd said, his voice muffled in the other boy's shoulder.

Neil brought his hands to Todd's back, embracing him at last.

They shared their first kiss that night, and their second, and their third, until they were a tangle of limbs sleeping peacefully.

In the morning, they shared another kiss, and before they left their dorm, their last, for Neil was gone that night.

 _ **Gone forever**_.

He was only saving himself. Why would he give up his newly-found love and dreams to be miserable doing something he never wanted to?

He couldn't stand the thought of leaving Keating, leaving his dream, leaving the society, and _leaving Todd_.

 _He was only saving himself_.

And when it all happened, Todd was broken.

He was drunk on love just the night before, and now his love was gone.

_**But, his love would've been gone anyways, wouldn't he?** _


End file.
